The 3 AM Truth About Leadership
(Or Why I'm Done Pretending I Have It All Together)
I'm writing this at 3:17 AM because I couldn't sleep. Again.
Not because I'm some hustling entrepreneur grinding while you sleep (god, I hate that narrative). But because my brain decided tonight was a perfect time to replay every awkward thing I said in yesterday's team meeting. You know, the one where I tried to sound confident while having absolutely no idea if my decision was right.
If you're here at this ungodly hour too, searching "how to be a better leader" or maybe just "why is leadership so hard," well.
Welcome to the club nobody talks about at leadership conferences.
The Part They Don't Put in Leadership Books
Here's what nobody told me about developing leadership skills: Sometimes you develop them at 2 AM while eating cereal in your underwear, wondering if everyone can tell you're making it up as you go along. Sometimes you learn them after completely botching something and hoping nobody noticed (spoiler: they probably did).
I've been in some kind of leadership role for... seven years? Eight? Honestly, time has become a blur of Zoom calls and "quick syncs" that are never quick. And here's what I know for sure:
That confidence everyone talks about? Sometimes it shows up.
Sometimes it ghosts me like a bad Tinder date.
This Could Be About Different Things for Different People
Maybe you're here because you just got promoted and you're terrified. I get it. I spent my first month as a team lead hiding in the bathroom between meetings, googling "how to run a one-on-one" on my phone.
Maybe you've been leading for years and you're just... tired. So deeply, bone-achingly tired of being "on" all the time. Of having to have answers when you barely have the energy to form questions.
Maybe your brain works differently and all the traditional leadership advice feels like trying to wear someone else's shoes. Two sizes too small. On the wrong feet.
Or maybe the problem isn't you at all. Maybe you're trying to lead in a place that's broken, with systems stacked against you, expectations that would break anyone. Sometimes it really is the environment, not your lack of whatever magical leadership quality LinkedIn influencers are preaching this week.
What I've Tried (A Incomplete List of Things That Sometimes Work)
The "Fake It Till You Make It" Approach
Worked for about two weeks. Then I had a panic attack in a supply closet. Would not recommend. Though if this resonates, finding ways to build genuine confidence might help more than pretending.
The "Read Every Leadership Book" Method
I have a shelf full of them. Some helped. Some made me feel worse. Turns out, most are written by people who've never had to lead a team while dealing with their kid's school calling and their anxiety meds not quite working and their boss asking for "quick updates" every five minutes.
The "Just Be Authentic" Thing
Cool advice. Super helpful when "authentic me" wants to curl up under my desk and cry. Though I've learned there's something to finding your own style, even if it doesn't match the extroverted-charismatic-visionary template.
The "Systems and Processes Will Save You" Route
I love a good process. I've made so many Notion databases. So many. They help, sometimes. But systems don't fix everything when you're dealing with humans (including yourself) in all their messy complexity.
What Actually Helps (Sometimes)
I'm not going to lie and say I've found the perfect formula. But here's what sometimes makes it bearable:
Admitting I Don't Know
Revolutionary, right? Turns out, saying "I don't know, let me find out" or "What do you think?" doesn't make the world end. Sometimes people actually respect it. Wild.
Finding Other Tired Leaders
We have a slack channel. We share memes about imposter syndrome and validate each other's 3 AM spirals. If you're dealing with the compound exhaustion of leadership, understanding stress patterns might help. Or at least make you feel less alone.
Accepting Different Leadership Styles Exist
I'm never going to be the rah-rah motivational speaker type. I'm more the "let's figure this out together while I stress-eat pretzels" type. That's okay. Your team might need something different than what the leadership books say they need.
Recognizing When It's the System, Not You
Studies show that psychological safety drives team performance more than individual leadership traits. Sometimes the best leadership skill is recognizing when the environment is toxic and either changing it or... leaving.
The Messy Truth
Some days I feel like I'm getting better at this. I make a decision that works out. I have a difficult conversation that goes okay. Someone on my team grows and I think, "Maybe I contributed to that somehow."
Other days I wonder if everyone can see through me. If they know I spent lunch hiding in my car. If they notice my hands shaking during presentations.
Both can be true. Both ARE true.
Leadership development isn't linear. It's not a steady climb up some imaginary competency ladder. It's more like... learning to dance while the music keeps changing and sometimes there's no music at all and you're just moving awkwardly in silence hoping it looks intentional.
For My Fellow Night Owls and Overthinkers
If you're reading this at some ungodly hour, know this: The fact that you care enough to lose sleep over being a better leader? That probably makes you a better leader than you think.
Or maybe not. Maybe we're all just trying our best with the resources we have, and sometimes those resources are running on empty.
Either way, you're not alone in this.
The 2 AM worries, the imposter syndrome that hits at the worst possible moments, the bone-deep exhaustion of trying to support others when you can barely support yourself—it's not just you.
What Now?
I wish I could wrap this up with "5 Simple Steps to Leadership Confidence" or something equally tidy. But we both know it doesn't work that way.
What I can tell you is that there are different ways to develop as a leader. Ways that don't require you to become someone you're not. Ways that work with your brain, not against it. Ways that acknowledge when the real problem is systemic, not personal.
Mind Hack Lab offers different approaches to leadership development
- Cognitive pattern work if you're dealing with recent confidence issues
- Neurodivergent-affirming strategies if your brain needs different structures
- Environmental navigation when the workplace culture is the issue
- Skill-building for genuinely new capabilities
Figure out what might actually help instead of what you think you're supposed to need.
But honestly? Sometimes the best leadership development happens in these quiet, messy moments when we stop pretending we have all the answers.
Sometimes it happens at 3 AM, in your underwear, eating cereal and admitting that this is hard.
And that's okay too.
Ready to Find Your Own Path?
Leadership development that works with your brain, not against it.
P.S. - It's 4:43 AM now. I should probably try to sleep. Tomorrow (today?) I have to lead a meeting and pretend my shit is moderately together. But at least now you know: if your leadership journey feels more like stumbling in the dark than climbing a mountain, you're in good company.
We're all just doing our best out here.
