I Haven't Talked to My Best Friend in Six Months
And I'm starting to think that's my fault
Jake texted me last week. "Drinks Friday?"
I stared at my phone for like twenty minutes. Started typing five different responses. Settled on "Sorry man, work thing came up." There was no work thing. I was on my couch watching YouTube videos about keyboard builds.
This is the fourth time I've done this. Maybe fifth. I've lost count.
The thing is, Jake's my best friend. Or was? I don't even know anymore. We used to hang out all the time in college. Like, every day. Now I see his LinkedIn updates more than his face. I keep telling myself it's just life. We're both busy. He's got his job, I've got mine. Normal adult stuff. But that's bullshit and I know it. I had three hours to watch some guy build a $2000 keyboard last night. I had time.
The truth is weirder. I think I'm scared of the silence. Like, what if we meet up and have nothing to talk about? What if it's awkward? What if we realize we're not really friends anymore, just people who used to be friends? So I cancel. Every time. And then I feel like shit about it and promise myself next time will be different. Spoiler: it never is.
Want to know something pathetic? There's apparently this whole system for rebuilding these exact skills but I couldn't even Google it properly at 2 AM because I was too busy reading Reddit threads about adult friendship being impossible. Classic me. Or if you're more the "I need to fix my whole career while I'm at it" type (also me), there's this thing about rebuilding confidence that I bookmarked and never looked at again. Actually, why am I even—never mind.
The Real Problem Goes Deeper
It gets worse. My friend Tom's marriage fell apart a few months ago. I found out through his wife's Instagram. She posted something cryptic about "new chapters" and then just... vanished from social media. I wanted to text him. Spent forever thinking about what to say. "Hey man, heard about you and Sarah, that sucks." Too direct. "Thinking about you bro." Too vague. "Want to grab a beer?" Too casual.
Finally sent: "How's it going?"
He sent back: "Good, you?"
And that was it. That was our whole conversation about his divorce. I found out later from another friend that Tom had been sleeping in his car some nights. I have a spare bedroom. He was sleeping in his car and I sent "How's it going?"
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I started noticing this pattern everywhere. Run into an old friend at Target: "We should catch up!" "Totally!" Never happens. See someone's birthday on Facebook: "Happy birthday dude!" That's the only interaction all year. Group chat from college: just reacting to each other's life updates with thumbs up emojis. When did this become normal? When did I become this guy?
I remember being 22 and thinking older dudes with no friends were losers. Like, how hard is it to maintain friendships? Turns out: very hard when you've convinced yourself that reaching out makes you look needy. I read this stat somewhere that loneliness costs the global economy trillions or something. Cool. Very helpful. I don't need economic data. I need to figure out how to text my friend without having an anxiety attack.
What Actually Changed
So here's the part where this gets a little weird. I was up late one night (shocking) scrolling through my phone, and I came across this Mind Hack Lab thing. Another ad at 2 AM, but this one didn't feel like total bullshit. They were talking about how to have actual conversations again. Not networking. Not small talk. Real conversations. And they had this whole section on connection and communication that basically called me out on everything I'd been doing wrong.
It was just a 30-minute session with an AI coach. No human to judge me for admitting I don't know how to talk to my friends anymore. The coach taught me this thing - basically that you have to go first. Share something real before asking questions. Sounds obvious, right? But I'd been doing the opposite for years. "How's work?" "How's life?" Always putting the burden on the other person to open up first.
Actually wait, I'm making this sound like some big revelation. It wasn't. I was skeptical as hell. But also desperate enough to try anything at that point.
I decided to try it with Jake. Instead of my usual "How's it going?" I texted: "Work's been kicking my ass lately. You?"
Not exactly poetry. But I went first. Said something true. He texted back immediately: "Dude, same. This project is killing me. Want to grab coffee tomorrow and complain about it?"
I almost typed my usual excuse. Almost. Then I remembered what the session taught about being specific. Not "let's hang soon." Not "maybe next week." Specific. "7am at that place on 5th?" "See you there." Holy shit. I had plans. Real plans. With my best friend.
I'm not gonna lie - I almost bailed that morning. Woke up at 6:30 and immediately started crafting excuses. But I went. First ten minutes were weird. We did the usual dance. Work updates. Weather commentary. Safe stuff. Then I just... said it. "This is weird, right? That we haven't hung out in forever?"
And the dam broke. We talked for two hours. About his dad's health scare. About my anxiety. About how we both missed having actual friends but didn't know how to fix it. About how Tom was doing (poorly, but getting better). Turns out Jake had been bailing on plans too. Turns out everyone's doing this. We're all walking around pretending we're too busy for friendship while secretly wondering why we're so lonely.
The Small Steps That Matter
Look, I'm not suddenly Mr. Social. Last week I told my coworker I couldn't grab lunch because I had a call. I ate a sad desk salad alone instead. Old habits die hard. Anyway—where was I? Right, Jake. We text more now. Sometimes I still bail. But less than before.
The Mind Hack Lab thing taught me it's not about becoming a different person. It's just about being like 5% more honest. Saying "tough day" instead of "good day." Asking "want to grab coffee Thursday?" instead of "we should hang soon." Small stuff. But it adds up. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
I've got another text to send. This guy Mark from my old job. Haven't talked to him in over a year. I've been thinking about texting him for weeks. You know what? I'm gonna do it. "Hey man, been thinking about you lately. Miss our lunch conversations. Want to catch up over coffee next week?"
Actually that sounds too... I don't know. Let me try again.
"Been a while. Coffee next week?"
Better. Sending it.
He just texted back. "Was literally just thinking the same thing. Tuesday work?"
Yeah. Tuesday works.
If you're reading this at 2 AM because you can't sleep and you're tired of being lonely but don't know how to fix it, maybe try that 30-minute thing I mentioned. Or don't. Honestly I'm the last guy who should be giving advice here. I literally just admitted to lying about meetings to avoid my friends.
Actually, you know what? I should probably text Tom too. And that guy from the gym. And—
Hold on—
