Why I Know Exactly How Many Nuclear Warheads Pakistan Has But Can't Remember My Neighbor's Name
So it's 3:27am and I'm deep in an article about grain shortages in the event of nuclear winter and I'm thinking, this is it, this is rock bottom, except no because last week I was reading about supervolcano eruption patterns at 4am so apparently there's always further to fall.
Started innocently enough. Tuesday night. Big presentation Wednesday. The kind where everyone's watching and Sarah from accounting has that face like she's already drafting the email about how you fucked up the quarterly projections. You know the face.
11pm: In bed. Good girl. Phone charging in the bathroom because I read some article about sleep hygiene written by someone who definitely doesn't have anxiety.
11:17pm: Just gonna grab my phone to set an extra alarm.
11:19pm: Might as well check if that thing in Taiwan escalated.
11:47pm: Currently learning about NATO Article 5 triggers.
1:33am: Deep dive into global wheat reserves.
2:45am: "Early signs of societal collapse" - WebMD but for civilization.
3:27am: Nuclear winter agricultural impacts. Because obviously.
Here's the fucked up part - I KNOW this isn't helping. Like what's the game plan here, brain? Someone's gonna burst into tomorrow's meeting like "THANK GOD JESSICA KNOWS ABOUT NUCLEAR WINTER GRAIN YIELDS" and I'll save the day? No. They're gonna ask about Q3 revenue and I'll be sitting there with my eyes like two piss holes in the snow thinking about radiation sickness.
My husband's like "just don't look at your phone" and I'm like oh wow thanks hadn't thought of that. Really groundbreaking stuff. Next you'll tell me to try yoga. (I tried yoga. Spent the whole class thinking about whether the instructor knew about the insect apocalypse.)
Anyway Marcus from work (yes, CrossFit Marcus, the one who makes his own kombucha and has "thoughts" about seed oils) kept going on about this Mind Hack Lab thing and how it fixed his Sunday scaries or whatever. I'm like Marcus, my Sunday scaries have Sunday scaries. My anxiety has anxiety. I'm reading about nuclear war at 3am on a Tuesday. We are not the same.
But then three weeks ago I'm on the bathroom floor at 3am (glamorous, I know) because I couldn't even stay in bed while reading about [checks notes] "cascading infrastructure failure scenarios" and my hands are literally shaking and I'm like... okay. Maybe Marcus has a point. Maybe this isn't normal. Maybe normal people don't know the half-life of cesium-137.
Downloaded the app right there on the bathroom floor. Rock. Bottom.
Apparently this is a "Confidence & Calm Under Pressure" problem which, no shit? Reading about civilizational collapse while crying is not what we'd call "calm under pressure." But whatever.
First session was weird. This AI coach thing (less annoying than ChatGPT, doesn't try to both-sides nuclear war) is like "rate your anxiety 1-10" and I'm like "12" and it's like "that's not—" and I'm like "TWELVE."
Then it taught me this breathing thing. 4 in, hold 4, 4 out, hold 4. I'm like great, now I'm counting my way through the apocalypse. Super helpful. Except... I went from 12 to like 9. Still bad! But like, functioning human bad instead of bathroom floor bad.
The Worry Window Thing That Actually Works
The Worry Window thing is stupid but it works. Pick one time to check news. ONE TIME. Not "one time plus real quick before bed plus just this breaking alert plus—" ONE. TIME. Mine's 8am with coffee now. Do I always stick to it? Fuck no. Tuesday I checked at lunch because someone said "did you see—" and I'm weak. But I used to check roughly 847 times per day so once at 8am plus sometimes at lunch is... progress?
Oh and they have this If-Then thing for the actual shit you're avoiding. Because surprise! You're not actually worried about nuclear war. You're worried about tomorrow. You're worried about Sarah's stupid face when you present. You're worried about being revealed as a fraud who somehow convinced people she knows things when really she just knows how to Google things and nod convincingly.
Three Weeks Later: Still Anxious, But Functional
Three weeks later and I still know too much about nuclear warheads but at least now I sleep sometimes. Gave the presentation. Crushed it. Sarah asked zero questions because Sarah only cares about making other people look bad, not actual work. I'd been preparing for nuclear war instead of practicing my slides. Make it make sense.
Still check the news more than I should. Last night I fell down a climate change rabbit hole for like an hour. But used to be 5 hours so... winning? The bar is on the floor but I'm stepping over it.
My friend sent me some article about workplace anxiety costing companies a trillion dollars and I'm like cool, glad my personal nightmare has a price tag. Very comforting. Almost as comforting as knowing exactly how fucked we'd be if the Yellowstone supervolcano erupted tomorrow. (It won't. I checked. At 2am. Last Thursday. Shut up.)
Ready to Stop the 3AM Doom Scrolling?
If you're reading this at some ungodly hour between catastrophe articles, just try one session. It's free. Takes 30 minutes. What else are you doing? Learning about EMP blast radii? (20-40 miles depending on altitude, you're welcome.) At least this might help you sleep.
Happy now, Marcus?
If you actually want to fix your career confidence or whatever, apparently that's a thing too. I just wanted to stop crying about grain yields at 3am but you do you.
PS - This is "skills training not therapy" apparently. Though honestly if you're googling "can anxiety physically kill you" at 4am (it can't, I checked extensively) maybe also consider actual therapy. Just saying.
PPS - My neighbor's name is Janet. I know this because she told me while I was getting the mail yesterday and I was like "oh right, human interaction." She seems nice. Probably doesn't know about nuclear winter grain yields. Lucky her.
