Work Anxiety Is Eating Me Alive and I Downloaded Some App About It
I should be asleep right now. Tomorrow I have to present quarterly numbers to the board, and instead of sleeping like a normal person, I'm writing this and eating leftover pad thai.
The thing about work anxiety is that it's so stupid. I work at a company that makes dental software. Not exactly high stakes. Nobody's performing surgery. We're not landing planes. We're helping dentists schedule cleanings. But tell that to my nervous system, which treats every meeting like I'm defusing a bomb.
Last quarter, I stood up to present and forgot the word "revenue." Not a complex technical term. Revenue. The money word. I just... blanked. Stood there for what felt like hours (probably five seconds) before saying "our... financial... intake." My coworker Dave jumped in to help, which somehow made it worse. Now every time I see Dave, I think about my brain deleting basic English.
Everyone Thinks They Have The Answer
My sister keeps telling me to try yoga. "It changed my life," she says. Good for her. My mom sends me articles about anxiety with headlines like "Could Your Gut Be Making You Anxious?" Maybe, Mom. Or maybe it's the fact that I have to talk to executives tomorrow about our dental software profits.
I've tried a bunch of stuff. Morning affirmations felt like lying to myself. ("I am confident and capable." No I'm not, that's why I'm saying this to my bathroom mirror.) Essential oils just gave me headaches. That meditation app everyone loves? Fell asleep during the free trial and woke up more stressed about wasting time.
So Yeah, I Downloaded Mind Hack Lab
My therapist mentioned it. Or maybe I saw an ad. Honestly can't remember. The point is, I downloaded it at 2 AM one night after a particularly bad day where I had to present in a meeting and my voice shook the entire time.
The app teaches you these Confidence & Calm Under Pressure techniques - some of them have names like "Worry Window" and "Center-Breath + Label." Sounds made up, right? But sometimes they actually help. There's this thing where you press on your chest while breathing. I did it in the Target bathroom last week after I had a mini-meltdown because they reorganized the store and I couldn't find paper towels. (That's a whole other story.)
What Actually Happens
Here's what work anxiety actually looks like for me: I'm fine until someone says "Can you walk us through these numbers?" Then my heart starts racing, my hands get cold, and my brain either goes completely blank or starts providing unhelpful commentary like "Everyone thinks you're an idiot" or "Your voice sounds weird."
The worst part is that I'm actually good at my job. When I'm working alone, analyzing data, building reports - I know what I'm doing. It's just the performance part that breaks me. Having to explain what I did. Having to sound confident about projections. Having to exist in a room with people watching me.
Tomorrow
The presentation is at 10 AM. I've gone through it fifteen times. Maybe twenty. I have everything printed out as backup because last time my laptop froze and I nearly had a panic attack. I'll probably try some of the breathing techniques from the app beforehand. Or I'll forget and just survive however I can.
What kills me is that everyone else seems fine. They chat before meetings. They laugh at small talk. They don't have printed backups of their printed backups. But maybe they're all faking it too. Maybe Brad from accounting goes home and screams into a pillow. Maybe my boss takes anxiety medication. Maybe we're all just pretending to be functional adults who can handle dental software meetings.
No Inspirational Ending
I don't have some uplifting conclusions here. The app helps sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't. Tomorrow will happen whether I'm ready or not. I'll either get through the presentation fine, or I'll stumble over my words and want to disappear, and either way, life will continue.
If you're reading this because you also can't sleep before a big work thing - I get it. We're out here doing our best with our stupid human brains that think conference rooms are predators.
Maybe try Mind Hack Lab if you want. It's something to do at 3 AM besides catastrophizing.
Now I'm going to attempt sleep. Or at least lie in bed and practice not thinking about tomorrow.
This is a skills practice, not medical or mental-health treatment.
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